I like chivalry, but I strongly suspect most people don’t really know what it means. There is much ado about whether or not chivalry is dead. I tend to think that if you have to ask if something is dead, then it’s probably not, or you would have heard about it by now.

Regardless, I think it’s important to know what we’re talking about, so in a sudden burst of non-laziness, I actually looked up the word! What I discovered is truly shocking. Chivalry comes from the French word Chevalier, which indicates that the whole debate is a conspiracy by France so that they can continue to call us Silly Americans and charge us outrageous prices for food my cat wouldn’t even eat and convince our women not to shave their armpits… but I digress… According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary (which, by the way, completely supports my French Conspiracy hypothesis), the definition of Chivalry is as follows:

1: mounted men-at-arms (I’m not sure whether this means a guy mounted like a hunting trophy or a guy with arms, or maybe both. I’m sure it came from France though, or it would be more clear).

2: archaic a: martial valor b: knightly skill (So maybe Renaissance Faire people know what they’re doing after all, although Renaissance is again French)

3: gallant or distinguished gentlemen (Gallant is French, blast it!)

4: the system, spirit, or customs of medieval knighthood (France invented perfume because in Medieval times, people rarely bathed…they also jousted, which again, comes from a French word)

5: the qualities of the ideal knight : chivalrous conduct (Since women are always talking about Their Knight in Shining Armor, I must assume that these “qualities” and “ideal..ity..ness” are important to them)

Since #1-4 are obviously part of The French Conspiracy, and #5 has to do with women, I say we talk about #5. Any disagreement there? I didn’t think so. I then turned to The Definitive Source, otherwise known as “The Wife”, and she quickly set me straight: “You know! Holding doors, pulling out chairs, paying for dinner… the stuff you used to do before we got married.”

So, I tried putting together what my wife said with definition number 5, and this is what I came up with:

Princess: “Thank you for the wonderful time at the Jousting Tournament! I’m glad you didn’t lose any limbs.”

Knight: “Thank you, milady!”

Princess: “And the roast boar you bought was delicious!”

Knight: “It was the chivalrous thing to do… would you expect any less of me?”

Princess: “And thank you for seating me properly at the throne. I’m sorry it was so heavy.”

Knight: “Think nothing of it! ‘Tis nobler (insert some Shakespeare here).”

Princess blushing coyly: ” I must take leave of you good Sir, before my Father lets loose the Dragon.”

Knight: “I would gladly open the door for you, but it can only be opened from within the keep, weighs several tons, and takes nearly 20 men to operate.”

Princess: “THAT’S NO EXCUSE! YOU CALL YOURSELF CHIVALROUS!”

And so began the debate, which still rages today. Oh, and women have expanded “chivalry” to doing housework as well. This too, have I learned.

No, I don’t think chivalry is dead, it’s just hanging out incognito until the debate about whether or not it’s dead blows over, then it can sneak back into our lives again in a vague way without much ado.